Echelons of the Broken Holy Wars, Ch 4 1/2
by Some Jedi Girl
Summary: The sickly next-to-last chapter in this epic tale.


I was given permission to write this uhh earlier chapter in this uhhh bizarre tale. Someone else can write the rest. I want to see how it begins.

Disclaimer: This is a _parody_. Repeat after me: _Par-Oh-Dee_. And even if it were a real story, they characters would not be owned by me, but by George Lucas. Therefore, No Money is Being Made. J and it does Not Have to Be Good. **It is Bad. This is On Purpose.**

Echelons of the Broken Holy Wars – CHAPTER 4 ½ 

Obi-Wan Kenobi faced off against the Armored Tentacle of Bix. The monster was huge, at least eighty feet long, and covered in a grey, rocklike shell. It thrashed about wildly in its bone-strewn, filthy, stinking pit of a lair, as if it sensed the nearby Jedi threat.

"This should be easy," thought Obi-Wan, confident despite the gigantic size of the nasty, roaring creature flailing about before him. He tossed off his cloak, drew his lightsaber, ignited the green blade, and advanced purposefully.

Once he was close enough, he waited for a break in the behemoth's thrashing. It arrived. With a mighty swipe of his emerald blade, he hit the monster and then flipped backwards to avoid its sure-to-be-gushing steaming innards.

Except there were no steaming innards. All Obi-Wan had to show for his mighty swing was a sore arm and an even angrier monster. He'd not even made a dent in the creature's armored hide. 

"What the hell?" Obi-Wan said aloud as he jumped backwards once again, trying to avoid the Tentacle's mighty tail. Or head. Or whatever end he was facing. "Don't tell me I can't cut it!"

Moving swiftly to a safe distance, Obi-Wan examined the beast thoroughly. It didn't do him much good. As far as he could tell, the thing had no weak spots. No eyes, mouth, ears, genitals-- nothing. It was just what its name implied—a giant, armored tentacle. 

Obi-Wan sighed. Time was running out, and he couldn't think of a better plan. He leapt high into the air, landing squarely in the middle of the creature's back, or stomach, or whatever. He gripped the uneven hide with his powerful legs, and ignited his lightsaber once again. "Like burning through blast doors," he thought, as he thrust his green blade into the armor.

Except that didn't work either. Massaging his by-now-very-sore arm, and still trying to keep from being thrown, he decided to try one last, desperate ploy to destroy the tentacle. He leaned forward with the monster's whipping motions, slamming himself full-length against the armor. Digging into it with his fingers, he gathered all the Force he could. He became one with the Living Force, searching for cracks in the monstrosity's armor. He drew on the power he'd harnessed, sending tendrils of it into the cracks, the tiny places between molecules in the rough shell, weakening it.

Veins popped out of his forehead and sweat ran from his pores as he strained. Just as he could almost take no more, his efforts were rewarded with a loud crack. A chink in the armor before his face appeared, followed by a noxious gust of the tentacle's now-exposed innards. Nearly retching, he wasted no time but ignited his blade once again and thrust it into the hole he'd created with the Force, stabbing the creature. In his weakened state, Obi-Wan was immediately thrown from the creature's back as it jerked once, powerfully, in pain and anger. As he landed heavily on the ground some distance away, Obi-Wan hoped he'd stabbed it somewhere vital.

He had. Obviously, all the creature had going for it was its armor, but beyond that, it was pathetically vulnerable. After its final, Obi-Wan tossing thrash, it lay still and died with a quiet whimper. 

"Damn straight," the tired Jedi muttered. But he wasn't done yet. Donning his cloak, Obi-Wan moved to disarm the bomb hidden in the Tentacle's lair.

***************************

Centuries later, in the land of Bix, the tale was still being told of the brave Jedi's heroic deed. The entire event was captured in an lyric refftharst1 poem, translated below into Basic for your reading pleasure.

****

1refftharst (reff**'**-tharst) _n_: Epic poem separated into stanzas of three lines each, consisting of five syllables in the first line, seven syllables in the second line, and five syllables in the third line. Earthlings take note: Think "bad haiku."

Gentle reader, please bear in mind that the writer of the epic was not actually present for the disarming of the bomb, but he's pretty sure this is how it happened. Also beware, because the translation is sketchy and the Bixians were never very good poets to begin with.

**__**

Praise! For the Glorious Defusing of the Bomb which Threatened us All.

By Gufwax Beej.

The beast it was dead

Slain by a green laser sword

Wielded by a man.

What did he look like?

Brown hair; I think it was brown

(His cloak was brown, too).

His blue eyes were filled

With intense concentration.

Many vile curses

Floated on the breeze.

O, Shit! He cried to the skies--

Which Wire to Pull Next?

I Forgot, he yelled,

Was it White or Was it Green?

Smoke, You're a Bastard!

The heavens, they roiled--

Rivers and lakes foamed with rage--

And puppies died, too.

After much turmoil

And inner debate, he winced,

And pulled the white wire--

No BOOM! did he hear

His head, it was still attached.

The bomb stopped ticking.

Damn Straight, he yelled then.

He stood, triumphant and tall!

Well, if not quite tall,

At least he was proud

And thankful to be alive.

He took out his comm,

And called to go home.

Smoke, he cried, Get Me the Heck

Out of this Stupid,

Alien Hellhole.

Lightning shot down from the skies

Our hero was gone.

O, praise, praise, the man

Who selflessly saved us all.

O, praise, praise, praise praise

snip2

2Abridged, also for your reading pleasure. 

***********************************

__

Long pale _hair streaming; the sparks in her inky black eyes flashed and dimmed like supernovae, brightening the cold, empty depths for bare instants…. I am your dark lover, Anakin Skywalker. Let my darkness soothe your steaming wounds, the cool mist of my blackness is a balm to your feverish heart. I am the path, Anakin, take me, walk on me, she screams into the hush of space, soundlessly, words pouring from lips like droplets from a rose. The light will only blind you, she says, but the dark will envelop you, comfort you…_

KABOOM!

Anakin Skywalker woke with a start, wrenched from the dark and disturbing dream by the crash of an explosion. The 18-year-old Jedi Padawan's Force-enhanced senses had him already alert and canvassing the room, looking for the heard but unseen threat.

Dim sunlight filtered through cracks between the stones of their hideout, the hideout of the Children of the Sky. Beside him, Mary woke slowly, stretchingly, lids opening to reveal dark eyes full of questions, confusion.

"What's going on?" she asked, sitting up on their pallet, grimy sheets dropping, pooling to reveal the paleness of her naked skin beneath. "

Anakin was already off the bed and getting dressed. "Bombs. The Persecution squads are bombing your hideout. Get up."

Her reply was drowned out by a ripping detonation which shattered the very foundations of the stone cellar. Around him, other freedom fighters awoke with cries of fear and pain as the ceiling tumbled down upon them in chunks of mortar and a spray of dust. 

Buckling his boots, Anakin stood. With the Force he pulled his lightsaber from the pallet to his hand, and in an instant it was snapped to his belt. He was tired of watching them die. He took control.

"Out! Get out of here, now!" He shouted over the screaming bombardment. He had to protect these people, these innocents who had rescued him, sheltered him. Stretching his arms above his head, spreading his long, slender fingers, he harnessed the Force to his will. He created a cushion of energy which slowed the massive stones and chunks of concrete as they fell, allowing the Children of the Sky to flee. "Leave your dead! You can't help them! But you can help yourselves!"

The freedom fighters stole astonished glances at the strangely hovering and bouncing hunks of mortar which danced in the dusty air of their hideout, but they moved quickly to leave. When the last grubby urchin had escaped, Anakin backed out slowly, then released the deadly stones and headed for the rendezvous point. Behind his tall, black-clad form, the roof collapsed with a resounding crash.

Anakin jogged to the meeting place behind a store three blocks away. Reaching it at last, he found the Children of the Sky huddling and weeping for their losses. Mary, however, waited for him, eyes defiant. "Thank you, Anakin Skywalker, for helping us to escape once again. You have repaid your debt to us." With one grimy fist, she gestured to the sobbing wounded behind her. "But you will not always be here to protect us. You were right, when you said we could help ourselves. For now, we will journey to our last safehouse, to cleanse our wounds and prepare. But after that, we can run no longer." She spoke with a defiance she was far from feeling.

**************************************

BRRRZZZT! That was the only sound which heralded the return of Obi-Wan Kenobi to the deep, underground laboratory of his erstwhile colleague, Dr. Smoke.

Dr. Smoke clanged his golden hands in glee when Obi-Wan appeared in his binary-fed Elsewhere beam, safe and sound. "So, my delicious Jedi, you have defeated the Armored Tentacle of Bix?" 

"Oh, hello, Dr. Smoke. Yes, after much trial and tribulation, I finally killed the Tentacle." Obi-Wan preened, just a little. 

Dr. Smoke was overjoyed almost to the point of insanity. Almost, but not quite. "Well done! I was worried about that one and it's special, non-lightsaber-penetrable outer coating. I forgot to tell you about that." The old feller straightened his glasses and appeared to consult his magical computer terminal. "Are you ready for your next trial, my strong and faithful warrior?"

Obi-Wan stopped preening in dismay. "I thought that meant I was done? You said I must needs travel to six dimensions and unless I am mistaken, I have defeated six monsters and defused six bombs." 

"Hmmm. Did you defeat the Lecherous Roaring Slug of Ixtwan 5?"

Obi-Wan's face showed intense concentration as he tried to remember. "Yes, that was a rather nasty one. Also, I slew the Singing Beach and beheaded the Rock-Strewn Watchdog of Thorkarkarkon."

Dr. Smoke still looked thoughtful. "That's four. Did you remember to count Doumeria, Mystical Land of Nine Monkey Temples and But Three Seas?"

"Yes. I routed the Aching Sand Critter in that place."

Dr. Smoke again consulted his mystical screen. "Then that would only leave the Sulfurous Sleezewind of Manklar."

Obi-Wan's face took on a distinct look of extreme disgust. "Ugh. I shall never wash the stench of that place from my soul. But I vanquished that foul wind thoroughly. That's six."

"Then the Cohesion Bomb of Six Planes has truly been disarmed! You have not only performed well, but exquisitely, my beloved warrior. May I kiss you?"

"No, you may not. I'm very glad to have helped, but I need to find my apprentice, and complete my original mission." Obi-Wan struck a noble pose, chin thrust outwards in devotion to duty.

"I must repay your heroics, somehow." Dr. Smoke put on a sly grin. "I could send you to Naboo. I hear the young Queen has grown from a teen charmer into a pretty hot property."

Obi-Wan pretended to stick his finger down his throat. "Eww. That's pretty sick. She's porking my Padawan, you know." He crossed his arms. "No, I definitely want to return from whence you swiped me."

"Ahh," Dr. Smoke nodded wisely. "You wish to return to Kolmerteen."

"Yes. I must resume my protection of President Banz. And Anakin will have been wondering where I disappeared to."

"You are sure the young man is alive?"

Obi-Wan closed his eyes and stoked his stubbled chin thoughtfully, seeming to look through the Force, elsewhere, nowhen. Then his eyes reopened and his face cleared. "Yep. I'm pretty sure."

"All righty then. Prepare to return to Kolmerteen." Dr. Smoke's golden fingers were naught but a yellowish blur as he keyed in Obi-Wan's final destination. "I shall never forget you, Obi-Wan Kenobi," he said, rheumy eyes shining behind his rainbow-tinted lenses. 

"Oh, I'm afraid I shall forget all this quite easily," Obi-Wan observed wryly. "It was horrible. Goodbye." 

With a Brrrzzt of the Elsewhere beam, Obi-Wan vanished from Dr. Smoke's lab, never to return.

To be continued. Backwards. If someone writes it, which is doubtful.


End file.
